This Isn’t A Post I’ve Been Looking Forward To Writing…

I started this blog to share my journey and to help people feel less alone in their struggles. 

But my own struggles, particularly during depressive episodes, aren’t always easy to talk about.

The thing is, it’s easy to use humour as a coping mechanism, to deflect away from the dark – which you’ve seen in my previous posts. It’s way harder to be truly vulnerable.

But I’m gonna try…

Depressive Episodes Are A Bitch

I started those first paragraphs a few weeks ago and closed the document. My depression hit hard and I looked at my site, and my posts, and just started tearing myself down…

Like, what the hell am I doing? 

I told myself my writing could be better, my pacing was off, this blog isn’t going anywhere. Yada yada yada…

But if I want to make this a success, to make a difference and really work for myself, I have to keep going – even when everything feels impossible.

Finding My Way Through Depression

The last few weeks have been a blur of just powering through. When medication doesn’t work for me the way it should, and I haven’t found a therapist that clicks, that’s all I can do.

I’m fortunate to have found ways to manage it when it’s at its worst, but there are still times when I feel like I’m just scraping by.

You’ve read in my previous posts, I draw, I game, I play with makeup…

I haven’t been able to listen to music or play anything this time around, so my main focus has been my artwork. 

Don’t get me wrong, I still veg on the couch and I still have to tidy up my depression pit but I’m almost through it. 

I’ve had to push myself, though. I don’t get a day off from life, even when I’m deep in the dark. 

And my cat? She’s definitely not letting me have a break. She needs care, which means I have to get out of bed.

I don’t get to just curl up with the curtains shut; I don’t have people that can come help me out when it gets that bad.

That reminder alone is often what keeps me going. When I don’t want to, she’s there to remind me: “Just feed me. And, I guess, yourself or whatever. 🙄”

However, I supplement the have-tos with the less necessary things… Let’s just say, I really need to wash my hair…

But god bless dry shampoo. 😂

Still, managing these depressive episodes has taught me a lot about perseverance and self-awareness. Each time, I learn a little bit more about how to keep going, even when it feels impossible.

So, How Do I Anticipate These Depressive Episodes?

It’s taken a lot of work and self-awareness to recognise the signs and prepare for the storm.

For me, these depressive episodes almost always start with a high. 

I feel unstoppable. I’m energised, motivated, ready to tackle everything life throws at me. It looks like a manic episode – and that’s my first warning sign.

But it’s probably the only time I really feel productive and confident in myself and my capabilities. 

As soon as I realise what’s happening, I know it’ll be maybe a week before the depressive episode sets in. 

And what do you know… 

A few days in, I’m dodging texts, avoiding social media and slowly retreating into myself. I’m still getting things done, but I don’t want to hear from anyone.

By the end of the week, all that productivity is a memory.

I can barely get out of bed and I have to push myself to do the basics…

Coping With Depressive Episodes

I’m fortunate enough to work from home, but that doesn’t make it easy. My bed becomes my office. 

I work and I crash while everything falls apart around me.

It’s during these times I have to remind myself to do the smallest things – brush my hair, even if it’s just going in a bun; brush my teeth; take a two-minute shower…

These little tasks are my lifeline. They keep me from spiralling deeper into that darkness because I know that if I don’t do them, I’ll hate what I see when I finally crawl out of it.

But You Know What’s Most Annoying? What Really Makes It All Feel So Crappy?

The high only lasts a week, if I’m lucky. But the downs? This one has lasted a month. 

I thought I was coming out of it, but this week I’m struggling again. 

I’ve made it out of bed, I’m writing, I’m working, but I still have to tidy my bedroom, I still have to do laundry, I still have to wash my hair and take care of my skin…

And eat a proper meal. 😅

What’s keeping me motivated right now, though, is knowing when I finally come out of it, I’m going to feel human again. 

I’m not going to have the energy I did and the motivation – I’m a low energy person by nature, but I’m going to feel okay – dare I say, happy. Scary as that is…

If Having This Illness Has Taught Me Anything, It’s Gratitude.

When I go to that dark place, it’s easy to hate myself and my life and just see what I don’t have.

So, what do you do to get yourself through your depressive episodes? Do you have specific routines or small wins that help? What are you grateful for when you come out of them? Leave a comment below, I’d love to know. 🩶